Depression is a funny thing. It changes your behaviour in ways that you don’t necessarily put together, and then one thing can just discombobulate you completely.
For me the key indicator is napping. I love to nap, but when I want to use sleep as a means of avoiding thinking or doing anything, it’s a sign I’m struggling.
Of course just to screw with me, during the night I have these incredible anxiety dreams. I’ll be in a position where I am really anxious to fix something, or get somewhere or find something, and just not be able to. It’s exhausting and I wake up tired and worried. They can get quite cinematic. I’ve been in a hostel trying to find something, in a stately home cleaning a piano (I only cleaned the piano, I was meant to clean the whole house). Last night was much less interesting – my glasses kept falling off my face and the lenses had shrunk / frames grown so I couldn’t see properly even when I kept them on.
Anyway, I’m fragile. So discovering a company I ordered a journal from had accidentally charged me for someone elses (very expensive) subscription as well as my (very cheap) one has really thrown me. In a way I’m relieved. It explains why my bank told me I didn’t have sufficient funds to withdraw money from the hole in the wall. And I’ve spent the last two days wracking my brain to work out why that should be when it looked as if I had more than enough money available. And I called the company and they’re sorting it out as a matter of urgency.
But it’s now 30 minutes since I made the phone call and I’m still shaking. I just want to go back to bed. To hide in the comfort of sleep and not hear the worries jostling for space in my head.
But I won’t. I’ll persevere. But it’s this debilitation, this ease with which an okay day becomes a trial, it just wears me down. And I just wish I could have a badge, or an emoticon, or some way of letting people know that what feels to them like normal is an herculean task for me.
A twibbon that explains: It took all my energy to get out of bed, so even the smallest of things feels like climbing Mount Everest. I’ll get there, and you probably won’t notice how much it took out of me, but it is such an effort. And sometimes, the tiniest puff of wind can push me all the way back down the hill. And then, I’m scunnered. Because I already used all my energy just getting up…