So it’s been a while since I posted anything. Life was busy, then we were on holiday, and then adjusting to being back in regular life.
I’ve been having a series of unpleasant dreams. They aren’t regular, but they are often. They aren’t the same, in plotting, environment of the full cast of participants. But in all of them, my mother, and if they appear my maternal grandparents, are upset with me. I have done something, sometimes a thing that the dream acknowledges, sometimes a thing which is a mystery, which has caused my relations to be angry and disappointed. And I react badly. I am forthright that I am not to blame. I am upset and angry myself at their reactions to whatever it is I may or may not have done or know I have done.
Which is all confusing enough in itself, but when I awake I feel awful. I feel that I have disappointed my mother for no good reason, and it feels unsolvable. And when my grandparents are involved, what with them being dead an all, it feels even worse.
And usually I can see where my dreams are coming from. Even the crazy anxiety dreams with random plot lines, I can see are at root just a manifestation of worry. But what are these imaginings trying to say?
I don’t like it. That much I know. And the more frequently they come around, the less I want to sleep. Which is very foreign to me, because sleep is my safe zone. What happens if sleep becomes distasteful, unpalatable, unsafe?